I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
