this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
