people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
