If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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