she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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