party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
