Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
