note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
