i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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