i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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