I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
