dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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