At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
