thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize