am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
