i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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