I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize