hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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