Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
