When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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