True but thats because hes a fetus.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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