just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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