My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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