Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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