No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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