Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
