I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize