The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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