Soap is not a condiment
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
