my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
