last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
