If i could tip my vagina, i would.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
