I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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