I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
