I will die if light touches me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
