If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
