i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
