he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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