i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize