In the future we'll all be gay
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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