I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think I won the penis lottery.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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