Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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