Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize