Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
