brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
