My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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