Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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