I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
