I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
