Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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