I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
