As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
