Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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