My pussy is not your playground.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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