Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
