Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm lost and stupid without you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
