So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
