wakey wakey hands off snakey
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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