Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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