fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
