Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
