OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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