what day is it and did you see me today?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
