Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
