Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
