you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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