Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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