Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
