I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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