whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
