Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
