i need an iv and a liver transplant
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize