I wish my penis had an off switch
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize