I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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