I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
