Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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