i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
